Agapé Counseling Blog
May 5, 2017
By: Janet Opoien Twedt LPC-MH, QMHP
May is mental health awareness month. Since 1949 May has been the month that the Mental Health America and affiliates have focused public awareness efforts on mental health. This is done to provide accurate information, reduce stigma, and promote effective treatment for children and adults.The National Alliance on Mental Illness reports that 1 in 5 adults experience a mental illness in any given year, and 1 in 5 youth experience a serious mental disorder at some point during their life. Mental health issues, like any other physical health issues, are treatable. Current reports indicate that 59% of adults and 50% of children do not receive proper treatment for their mental health concerns. Many people do not recognize they have a mental health problem. Many do not want to be stigmatized for seeking treatment. Others do not know where to find treatment, and some do not know how to pay for treatment. Common mental health concerns include adjustment disorders, depression, anxiety, mood disorders and severe mental illness. Mental health becomes an issue when symptoms are experienced that impact the ability to function in major life areas. Those areas include interpersonal relationships, school or work performance, engagement in activities of daily living, such as maintaining a household, and participating in social and recreational activities. If you or you know someone who is feeling sad, lonely, isolated, has had a change in eating and sleeping habits, no longer participates in activities they once enjoyed, is having trouble at home, school or work please know that help is available. We are here to help.
March 14, 2017
By: Janet Opoien Twedt
Today, CBS News This Morning reported that according to the National Institute of Health more than 16 million adults in the United Stated experienced an episode depression within the past year.
Many factors, both biological and environmental, impact who is at risk for experiencing depression. What was interesting about this morning's report was the impact nutrition has on mental health.
Dr. Tara Narula was interviewed about the field of nutritional psychiatry. Nutritional psychiatry explores how diet impacts mental health. Dr. Narula explained that just as in other health concerns, such as cardiovascular disease, diet should be examined as a possible contributor to mental health concerns. For those at risk of experiencing depression and anxiety, diet and food choices should be explored.
Food supportive of healthy brain function as it impacts lower rates of depression include fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, whole grains, and healthy fats. Other specific nutrients and vitamins cited as improving mood including vitamins B and D, Omega 3's, zinc, iron and magnesium. Depression and anxiety can be debilitating, robbing your life of contentment and joy. We can help you explore what impacts your experience, and support you in restoring your health and hopefulness.
By: Jen Zerfas
Erin and I recently attended a 3-day long training focusing on learning how to use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) with clients. We learned about how wonderful this type of therapy is for treating many problems such as post-traumatic stress, grief, fear, and anxiety – just to name a few (there are more listed below). We were also able to participate in practicum throughout the training where we participated as both the client and therapist at different times.
I have to admit I was a bit skeptical at first. This type of therapy uses a lot of mindfulness and visualization as well as paying attention to what kind of distress you feel and where you feel it in your body. It also employs a technique/tool called DAS (Dual Attention Stimulation), which includes a series of eye movements back and forth, knee or hand taps from one knee/hand to the other, pulsars/buzzers in both hands going back and forth, or tones going from one ear to the other in headphones. Each person decided which DAS was the most therapeutic for them. Erin liked the combination of hand buzzers and headphone tones. I preferred the knee taps. Sounds a little bizarre, right? My understanding is that by pairing DAS with recollection of a disturbing event or memory it allows a person to become less sensitive to the event or memory – the memory is still there, it’s just less powerful. (A more scientific explanation is below). DAS can also be used with happy and/or peaceful memories to make the thoughts stronger in a person’s mind.
I’m sure you’re wondering, “But Jen, does it actually work?” And my answer is, “By golly, it does!” Being able to play the part of the client, I did experience relief from the experience as well as a more peaceful feeling. Getting to participate as the therapist, I was able to see the therapeutic effects of using EMDR therapy with others. But don’t take my word for it. The World Health Organization (WHO), the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and the American Psychiatric Association all agree that EMDR therapy is legit.
But wait! There’s more!
Below I have provided even more information about EMDR therapy from www.emdria.org. I hope the information helps to further clarify what EMDR therapy is and how it works. Happy reading!
What is EMDR Therapy?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an integrative psychotherapy approach that has been extensively researched and proven effective for the treatment of trauma. EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches. To date, EMDR therapy has helped millions of people of all ages relieve many types of psychological stress.
How was EMDR developed?
In 1987, psychologist Dr. Francine Shapiro made the chance observation that eye movements can reduce the intensity of disturbing thoughts, under certain conditions. Dr. Shapiro studied this effect scientifically and, in 1989, she reported success using EMDR to treat victims of trauma in the Journal of Traumatic Stress. Since then, EMDR has developed and evolved through the contributions of therapists and researchers all over the world. Today, EMDR is a set of standardized protocols that incorporates elements from many different treatment approaches.
How does EMDR work?
No one knows how any form of psychotherapy works neurobiologically or in the brain. However, we do know that when a person is very upset, their brain cannot process information as it does ordinarily. One moment becomes "frozen in time," and remembering a trauma may feel as bad as going through it the first time because the images, sounds, smells, and feelings haven’t changed. Such memories have a lasting negative effect that interferes with the way a person sees the world and the way they relate to other people.
EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain processes information. Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful EMDR session, a person no longer relives the images, sounds, and feelings when the event is brought to mind. You still remember what happened, but it is less upsetting. Many types of therapy have similar goals. However, EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Therefore, EMDR can be thought of as a physiologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way.
What kind of problems can EMDR treat?
Scientific research has established EMDR as effective for post traumatic stress. However, clinicians also have reported success using EMDR in treatment of the following conditions:
Sexual and/or Physical abuse
Body dysmorphic disorders
How long does EMDR take?
One or more sessions are required for the therapist to understand the nature of the problem and to decide whether EMDR is an appropriate treatment. The therapist will also discuss EMDR more fully and provide an opportunity to answer questions about the method. Once therapist and client have agreed that EMDR is appropriate for a specific problem, the actual EMDR therapy may begin.
A typical EMDR session lasts from 60 to 90 minutes. The type of problem, life circumstances, and the amount of previous trauma will determine how many treatment sessions are necessary. EMDR may be used within a standard "talking" therapy, as an adjunctive therapy with a separate therapist, or as a treatment all by itself.
Let’s talk about anger. Scary thought, huh? Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility towards others or self. I might add that anger can be towards inanimate objects as well. I mean, who hasn’t gotten upset when the TV remote is lost or the car battery dies?
Anger is one of those emotions that everyone has but nobody likes when it comes around. Anger is a normal emotion that we all feel from time to time – some of us experience it way more often than others, however. Let me say that again:
Anger is a completely normal emotion to feel – it’s what we do with it that matters.
A lot of people struggle with anger – myself included. Whether it’s while we’re late to some event and we’re in traffic and hit every red light or we’re arguing with our friends, loved ones, or co-workers, anger can come up anytime. So how do we allow ourselves to feel anger without letting it get out of hand? Here are eight tips I have found to be helpful with clients and for myself:
Note: The Eight Tools of Anger Control used below was written by Tony Fiore, Ph.D.
Tool 1 - Recognize Stress
Stress and anger tend to go hand and hand. The higher one’s stress level, the easier it is to allow our anger to get out of control. It is a challenge for most of us to manage our stress levels in a complex world with many demands and expectations. Learning stress management techniques is an effective way to reduce the physical, behavioral, and emotional problems caused by too much stress.
Stress is often the trigger that takes us from feeling peaceful to experiencing uncomfortable angry feelings in many common life situations. Whether the stressor is external or internal, scientists have discovered that the major systems of the body work together to provide one of the human organism’s most powerful and sophisticated defenses: the stress response which you may know better as "fight-or-flight.” Before your stress response turns into anger or aggression, use stress management strategies to get it under control.
Tool 2 - Develop Empathy
Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed that the customers at the table next to you were speaking louder than anyone else? It was as if they had no idea that they were being so loud and intrusive to the rest of the patrons. This lack of awareness is often a sign of not being emotionally or socially alert. Or, have you ever been in a situation where you tried to express your feelings and it backfired in some way?
Some of us are very good at knowing how we feel and expressing it, while others struggle to do so. It is crucial to express emotion in order to relate to those around us. Our ability to know how we are feeling as well as our ability to accurately sense the feelings of those around us help us make positive connections with others. This characteristic is often called "empathy."
To empathize is to see with the eyes of another, to hear with the ears of another, and to feel with the heart of another. Lack of empathy leads to poor communication and a failing to understand others. To manage anger, it often helps to see our anger as a combination of other people’s behavior and our lack of empathy toward them or their situation.
Tool 3 - Respond Instead of React
Many times we become angry because we find people and situations that literally "push our buttons," and we react just like a juke box that automatically pulls down a record and starts playing when you make a selection. Rather than reacting to anger triggers in this fashion, you can learn to choose how to deal with frustrating situations – to respond rather than automatically react like that juke box.
There are many advantages to learning to how be more flexible in dealing with the stresses and frustrations of life. At the top of the list is a sense of empowerment. It just feels good and powerful to know that you are in charge of your response, rather than being controlled by other people or circumstances. Many people notice their anger level going down as their feeling of empowerment goes up.
Tool 4 - Change that Conversation with Yourself
"For some reason whenever I get upset I am always putting myself down" said one woman in an anger management class. "Even my friends tell me I am just too hard on myself", she said. "When I get upset, I will often say things like, 'I'm such a loser,' or, 'if I don't make it on time, everyone will think I'm a jerk,'" the woman explained. "Sometimes I even tell myself that I am worthless and stupid when I make mistakes."
A crucial tool in dealing with angry feelings is that of challenging that conversation with yourself. Like the woman described above, you are constantly telling yourself all kinds of things which cause you to have certain feelings or emotions – even though you may not realize it. Learning to change that "self-talk" empowers you to deal with anger more effectively in terms of how strongly you feel the anger, how long you hold onto your anger, and how you express your anger.
Tool 5 - Communicate Assertively
Good communication skills are an essential ingredient to anger management because poor communication causes untold emotional hurt, misunderstandings, and conflict. Words are powerful, but the message we convey to others is even more powerful and often determines how people respond to us and how we feel toward them.
Anger expressed toward others is often a misguided way of communicating a feeling we have or a need that is not being satisfied by other people or situations. Assertive communication – as distinct from aggressive communication – is a set of skills to honestly and effectively communicate how you feel and how you are responding to things without getting angry or hostile about it.
Tool 6 - Adjust Expectations
Have you ever been told your expectations are too high? Anger and stress can often be caused when our expectations are too far apart from what is realistic to achieve. In other words, anger is often triggered by a discrepancy between what we expect and what we get.
Learning to adjust those expectations – sometimes upward and other times downward – can help us cope with difficult situations or people, or even cope with ourselves. In marriage, research shows that much anger is caused by trying to solve problems which are unsolvable and perpetual. Successful couples learn to live with each other around these issues rather than getting angry about them.
Tool 7 - Forgive But Don't Forget!
Anger is often the result of grievances we hold toward other people or situations, usually because of our perception and feeling of having been wronged by them in some way. Resentment is a form of anger that does more damage to the holder than the offender. Holding a grudge is letting the offender live rent free in your head. Making the decision to "let go" (while still protecting ourselves) is often a process of forgiveness – or at least acceptance – and is a major step toward anger control.
Tool 8 - Retreat and Think Things Over!
Jim and Mary Jones loved each other deeply, but often went into horrific verbal battles over any number of issues. However, they were unable to give each other "space" during an argument insisting they solve the issue immediately. Even worse, Mary often physically blocked Jim from leaving and would follow him from room to room demanding discussion. Needless to say, this is a dangerous practice as it can escalate levels of anger even further and cause partners to do and say things they don't really mean and may later regret!
Research shows that we are pretty much incapable of resolving conflicts or thinking rationally in an argument when our stress level reaches a certain point. To avoid losing control either physically or verbally, it is often best to take a temporary "time-out" and leave. This tool of anger management works much better if (1) you commit to return within a reasonable amount of time to work things out, and (2) you work on your "self-talk" while trying to cool down.
Fair Fighting: Ground Rules
In the past several months, I've had the privilege of working with a lot of couples. They have come to therapy for various reasons, but the biggest issue I have seen has to do with COMMUNICATION. I’ve noticed that this particular issue often arises when addressing disagreements or arguments. Many people would rather avoid quarrels with their partner rather than create what they deem as an unnecessary rift in their relationship. Others welcome conflict, but often go at it in an aggressive and unhealthy way.
It’s never pleasant to 'fight' with your loved one. It takes a toll on everyone involved, not to mention the stress it creates in otherwise healthy relationships. It’s hard to know where to begin when communicating about sensitive issues with your partner.
Below I have a list of 'rules' that I have found to be helpful to couples I have worked with in therapy. I usually have each partner pick one or two 'rules' that they are good at and one or two rules they need to work on. Then I ask each partner to pick one 'rule' they feel their partner is good at and one 'rule' they think their partner needs to work on. We then discuss their opinions and how they can work on their strengths and challenges when involved in disagreements. I hope you find these 'rules' to be helpful in your relationships with others. :)
Side note – I feel like these 'rules' can be helpful in any relationship, whether it’s with friends, family, children, or partners. :)
Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm, it is more likely that others will consider your viewpoint.
Express feeling in words – not actions
If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a 'time out' and do something to help yourself feel calm. Some ideas are take a walk, do some deep breathing, play with your pet, write in your journal – whatever works for you. Just make sure to return to the conversation.
Be specific about what is bothering you
Vague complaints are hard to work on.
Deal with only one issue at a time
Don't introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the 'kitchen sink' effect where people throw in all their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.
No hitting below the belt
Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger, and vulnerability.
Accusations will lead others to focus on defending themselves rather than understanding you. Instead, talk about how someone's actions made you feel.
Try not to generalize
Avoid words like 'never' and 'always'. Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions.
Avoid make believe
Exaggerating or inventing a complaint – or your feelings about it – will prevent the real issues from surfacing. Stick with the facts and your honest feelings.
Don't stockpile. Storing up lots of grievances and hurt feelings over time is counterproductive. It's almost impossible to deal with numerous old problems for which recollections may differ. Try to deal with problems as they arise.
Avoid clamming up
Positive results can only be attained with two-way communication. When one person becomes silent and stops responding to the other, frustration and anger can result. However, if you feel yourself getting overwhelmed or shutting down, you may need to take a break from the discussion. Just let your partner know you will return to the conversation as soon as you are able and then don't forget to follow up.
Establish common ground rules
You may even want to ask your partner-in-conflict to read and discuss this information with you. When both people accept positive common ground rules for managing conflict, resolution becomes more likely.
~January 13, 2016~
Tips to the Grieving Parent
I have and still am finding healing for my heart since the deaths of my twin baby daughters Grace and Bethany who shared their brief lives with our family in May of 2012. I've learned a few things along the way and wanted to pass on 7 pieces of advice that have helped me immeasurably. I need to caution that these things helped ME....I say that because everyone has a unique and individual relationship to those precious individuals whose lives often end far too soon. Your individual grief process will be as unique as fingerprints on your hands.
You won't find all of these in a book or manual and they are certainly not taught to us when we go through high school. They are not found in some parenting manual because these are not lessons anyone wants to learn. Nonetheless these things are critical for people to learn when they have to endure the deep grief associated with the loss of a child. Each one is from my heart, from my experience, and each one was absolutely spot on for me and my "fight" toward healing. The decision to heal is no easy task but is essential if you truly want healing for your heart. I can promise that the reward is 100% worth the effort. Joy and peace are available to you. I am living proof that a beautiful life is possible after such profound pain. I am not chained to my pain. My identity is not in death. I am full of life. I am free to feel all emotions, not just the sad and scary ones. I have joy daily. Even when I long for my sweet babies and cry for them I overflow with compassion and a sense of purpose at the same time. Joy and pain can coexist but you must resolve to fight for it...I did will you?
1. Embrace Healing: Healing is a choice. Time does not heal all wounds. The things that you do with the time you have been given will help you to heal. You have to apply yourself. You have to participate in the healing process. Remember, not healing is a choice too. What has caused your grief may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility. We can’t always choose what happens to us but we can choose how we respond to it. When you are ready make a decision and resolve to move through your grief there will be healing as an end result.
2. Keep your eye on the prize: It won’t be easy. Choosing healing is like deciding to undergo intensive surgery to repair a broken body. It takes preparation, patience, endurance, and a team of "doctors" (supporters) for the journey. You'll discover what you are made of. During the rehabilitation of a surgery there will be set backs, there will be moments where you want to give up, and there will be pain. In the end you will find that you have the endurance, strength, and perseverance to make it to the "other side" of rehabilitation one day realizing that you are in fact in recovery. Healing is an emotional process, not an intellectual one so be gentle with yourself but keep pushing forward. Even the small steps count and often the small steps are the most difficult. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one small step".
3. You are stronger than you think: You’ll want to quit. Healing is daunting, confusing, and exhausting. It will seem easier at times to stay in your painful new normal than venture into uncharted territory, but don’t give up. Do it anyway. Face your fears. It will lead to joy and peace you thought impossible.
4. Don’t go it alone: Pulling ourselves up by our boot straps won't be good enough. Some pain in life is simply too much. It crushes us under its weight. But while we are weak others are strong. Find those people and lean on them. Let them carry you for a time. Borrow strength from others. When you are strong again you can lend your strength to someone else who needs it. Support isn't optional, it is vital. Use the support available to you. If support is lacking, seek it out without hesitation.
5. Feel: Grief is defined as the emotional turmoil of conflicting feelings after loss. Everyone experiences grief, but not everyone grieves. Grieving is the way in which grief is expressed and resolved. Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. Grieving is an emotional process, not an intellectual one. While some intellect will be involved, the root of healing is mending our heart, not rationalizing our pain. Let yourself feel your feelings. No feelings are wrong or right, good or bad. All feelings are clues into the state of our heart. Feel. Feel fully. Healing requires it.
6. Take care of your heart: Our hearts are both fragile and resilient. Grief is hard on the heart but neglect is even harder. Heart care is essential to healing. For many of us heart care does not come naturally. We have not been taught how to care for ourselves emotionally and grief is often the first time in our lives that we have given the state of our heart much attention. Tuning into how we feel is the first step to caring for our heart. Using our feelings as information helps us figure out what we need. Once we know what we need we can make a plan to get what we need. When our emotional needs are met healing can take place in our heart. Make heart care a priority for life to find healing from grief.
7. Don’t believe everything you hear: Believing that healing is possible is the most important step toward grief recovery. If we tell ourselves that healing is impossible or what has caused our grief is simply too much to ever get over what we are really saying is there is no hope. There is ALWAYS hope. Don’t sabotage your healing by giving up hope. Hope is never lost. Healing is always possible.
~November 20, 2015~ Blog from Jen Zerfas
Raise your hand if you have kids or interact with children on a regular basis. Ok, so you don't REALLY have to raise your hand, but you know what I mean. :) Lots of us either have our own children and/or interact with kids most days of the week. Kids have A LOT of energy, and take A LOT of energy to raise and relate to. Sometimes, we become so focused on disciplining our kids (making sure they behave, use their manners, etc.) that we forget to concentrate on building them up and noticing their strengths and creativity. Sometimes, it’s really hard to show our children how much we really do care about them as individuals. I've worked with kids of various ages for quite a few years, and during that time I have tried to find creative ways to show them I care. There are a lot of lists out there that give all kinds of fun, easy, and meaningful ways you can show kids you care. I've compiled some of my favorites in a list here. This list has all kinds of little and big ideas to interact with and build up the children in your life. I hope you enjoy participating in the activities on this list! :)
- Notice and acknowledge them.
- Ask for their opinion... And listen!
- Smile all you can.
- Remember when children are hurting, they can act most unlovable. Be there for them.
- Acknowledge their feelings, and don’t tell them how they should feel.
- Use humor to connect.
- Give hugs often, but ask for permission first.
- Listen to their stories.
- Be excited when you see them.
- PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY.
- Let them solve most of their own problems.
- Play with them.
- Make time to be with them.
- Discuss their dreams and nightmares.
- Share meals together.
- Apologize when you've done something wrong.
- Celebrate their firsts and lasts, such as their first day of school.
- Spend your TIME (not your money) with them.
- Let them help you do things.
- Praise more, criticize less.
- Take/maintain an interest in their interests.
- Let them be who they are, not who you think they should be.
- Create new traditions with them.
- Be excited when you see them.
- Expect their best; don’t expect perfection.
- Do what you say you’re going to do.
- Encourage them to help others.
- Catch them doing something right.
- Empower them to help and be themselves.
- Think discipline/teach vs. punish.
- Remember that kids are always learning - and so are you.
~September 2, 2015~
Shall we talk about.... GULP...Suicide?
Did you know that September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month which helps promote resources and awareness around the issues of suicide prevention. Did you know that suicide is the third leading cause of death among young people and is often the result of mental health conditions that effect people when they are most vulnerable? To this day suicide is a fairly uncomfortable topic to discuss openly but it is essential that we begin to have these conversations with the people that we love. Often we miss the signs and symptoms that loved ones are displaying prior to suicide completion or attempts. It is important that you are aware that suicide can happen even to people you love.
Potential signs that someone you love may be contemplating suicide include but are not limited to the following:
- Threats or comments about killing themselves, also known as suicidal ideation, can begin with seemingly harmless thoughts like “I wish I wasn’t here” but can become more overt and dangerous
- Increased alcohol and drug use
- Aggressive behavior
- Social withdrawal from friends, family and the community
- Dramatic mood swings
- Talking, writing or thinking about death
- Impulsive or reckless behavior
- Putting their affairs in order and giving away their possessions
- Saying goodbye to friends and family
- Mood shifts from despair to calm
- Planning, possibly by looking around to buy, steal or borrow the tools they need to commit suicide, such as a firearm or prescription medication
Now that you are aware of some of the potential signs of suicidal thought, it is important to also know what you can do. A suicidal person may not ask for help, but that doesn't mean that help isn't wanted. Most people who commit suicide don't want to die—they just want to stop hurting. Suicide prevention starts with recognizing the warning signs and taking them seriously. If you think a friend or family member is considering suicide, you might be afraid to bring up the subject. But talking openly about suicidal thoughts and feelings can save a life. You can't make a person suicidal by showing that you care. In fact, giving a suicidal person the opportunity to express his or her feelings can provide relief from loneliness and pent-up negative feelings, and may prevent a suicide attempt.
Ways to start a conversation about suicide:
- I have been feeling concerned about you lately.
- Recently, I have noticed some differences in you and wondered how you are doing.
- I wanted to check in with you because you haven’t seemed yourself lately.
Questions you can ask:
- When did you begin feeling like this?
- Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?
- How can I best support you right now?
- Have you thought about getting help?
What you can say that helps:
- You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.
- You may not believe it now, but the way you’re feeling will change.
- I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.
- When you want to give up, tell yourself you will hold off for just one more day, hour, minute—whatever you can manage.
This month and always I encourage you to be a light of hope to people who may be feeling hopeless. Don’t be afraid to ask hard questions. Asking if someone needs help is the first step toward breaking the cycle of isolation. If you feel that your loved one needs additional help reach out to a professional for assistance. In our community you can call 211 helpline 24 hours 7 days a week. Just dial 21 from any phone. You can also reach out to NAMI which is the national alliance for mental illness (605) 271-1871.
~Wednesday June 17, 2015~
How do you carry your grief?
I have to apologize as it has been several weeks since my last blog. As life sometimes does…it got in the way lol. I have also been avoiding writing this next blog because it is intense and full of difficult information to hear. Nonetheless, here it goes.
How do you carry your grief? This past week I had the honor and privilege of working with Lois Hall a trainer with the Grief Recovery Institute®. Together with 10 other individuals we began to process this very topic. We determined that grief is more than what meets the eye. In fact, our country is literally dying because of the grief we carry.
How can this be possible you ask? We are dying because of grief? People will argue that they haven't lost anyone close to them or that their loss took place 20 years ago or that their loss was not as bad as their friend’s loss. The truth is that grief hurts and we pick up that pain and we carry it around with us. Some grief is heavy and some grief is light. Either way by not addressing our grief we are literally making ourselves sick and our country is wearing it like a badge of honor.
By this point I may have "lost" you because you don’t feel that grief is your aliment. But hold on, I want to challenge you to dig a little deeper. Do you struggle with Depression? Anxiety? Alcoholism? Drug Addiction? Are you struggling to communicate with your spouse? Feel misunderstood at work or around peers? You might be dealing with an unresolved grief issue. If you have ever lost a friend, a pet, a job, a home, a dream, a hope, a relationship…YOU ARE A GRIEVER! This information is for you.
Here is some food for thought:
- Depression- According to depression statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 9 percent of adult Americans have feelings of hopelessness, despondency, and/or guilt that generate a diagnosis of depression. At any given time, about 3 percent of adults have major depression, also known as major depressive disorder, a long-lasting and severe form of depression. In fact, major depression is the leading cause of disability for Americans between the ages of 15 and 44, according to the CDC. The urgency of the rate of depression to public health is likely compounded by the recognition that – if not effectively treated – depression is likely to lapse into a chronic disease. Just experiencing one episode of depression places the individual at a 50% risk for experiencing another, with subsequent episodes raising the likelihood of experiencing more episodes in the future.
- Obesity- According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, "more than one-third of adults and 17% of youth in the United States are obese".
- Alcoholism- According to statistics provided by the CDC the percent of adults 18 years of age and over who were current regular drinkers (at least 12 drinks in the past year) was 51.3%. The percent of adults 18 years of age and over who were current infrequent drinkers (1-11 drinks in the past year) was 12.9%. Meanwhile they note that the number of alcoholic liver disease deaths in 2012 was 18,146 and the number of alcohol-induced deaths, excluding accidents and homicides was 29,001.
- Suicide-The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) collects data about mortality in the U.S., including deaths by suicide. In 2013 (the most recent year for which full data are available), 41,149 suicides were reported, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans.
Grief as defined by the Grief Recovery Institute® is the body’s normal and natural reaction to a loss of any kind. If you are like me you will immediately see a light bulb flash from that statement. You will say to yourself "Oh my goodness I have had countless losses, I truly am a griever and this stuff is meant for me!" If you have lost ANYTHING that meant ANYTHING you are going to experience grief. So now that we have established that you are a griever what can we do about it? Is there recovery? Is there hope for a different path? The answer is absolutely but you have to do the difficult work to unpack that grief and deal with it. I can help you all you have to do is reach out and ask for help. Call me and we can set up a time to meet.
~Friday April 17, 2015~
You've Got Mail
Text me...PM me...are you online...did you see that Facebook post...I have to check my mind craft…I’m blogging…did you see twitter...I saw that on the internet…did you google it...snap chat me. Do these phrases sound like ways you are communicating with others? Are you trapped in an online game that you just can’t stop? How do you think it is affecting you... really? This week I read a quote from Steven Spielberg that had me thinking...Is our technology becoming more of a problem than we think? The quote read, "Technology can be our best friend, and technology can also be the biggest party pooper of our lives. It interrupts our own story, interrupts our ability to have a thought or a daydream, to imagine something wonderful, because we’re too busy bridging the walk from the cafeteria back to the office on the cell phone." In my own life we have decided to set boundaries around our cell phone use, internet time, and video games. We began to realize just how much it was affecting our lives a little over 2 years ago. It happened while my husband and I were on a date. He was playing a game on his phone and I was "face-booking". I looked up from my phone and noticed that we were not alone. Almost half of the people in the room were on their phones. That day I realized something…we are never alone anymore. Our world has become a constant stream of technology. As a "fast food society" we are a culture of "I want it now’s" and "I can’t waits". Our kids are watching us and learning from our lead. As I continued to notice this tragedy in our society I began to see it everywhere. Families at the park...on the cell phone. Friends at the mall...on the cell phone. People in waiting rooms, restaurants, Walmart...all on their phones. Once upon a time phones hung on walls and phone calls were actually made that involved picking up a phone and hearing one another talk. I am not saying that technology is entirely bad and to this day I still have to use my phone and the internet daily. But I do believe that there is a huge problem that has surfaced in our homes. I am concerned that if we don’t address our relationship with technology we may be in store for more emotional pain than we might think. In my office the past several years I have heard more and more about how technology is hurting the family unit. Complaints about spouses cheating using online dating sites. Frustrations about children not doing their homework because they can’t pull themselves away from "gaming". Issues with text messages being misinterpreted and very basic communication going completely awry because of the lack of nonverbal communication, tone, and context. Student’s dependent upon google searches to do homework for them. The definition of addiction as described online by Webster’s dictionary states that an addiction is : A strong and harmful need to regularly have something (such as a drug) or do something (such as gamble) : an unusually great interest in something or a need to do or have something So I ask you...are you addicted? Do you need to evaluate and take personal inventory about how much time you are spending mindlessly surfing the net? If you say no...I want to challenge you to take an internet “fast”. Meaning, stop using the internet for anything other than necessity (paying bills, reading work emails, reading my blog etc.). If you can’t or won’t do it maybe you have a bigger problem than you think. Maybe it’s time to take back some control over your online time and direct it toward more valuable things such as the relationships around you.
~Wednesday April 8, 2015~
AA-isms and what they could mean for us?
Several people in my life are recovering alcoholics and "by the grace of God" have been sober..."One day at a time". One of my favorite alcoholics is my father who has been in recovery for almost 30 years...words can’t express how grateful I am that he is sober! I love these "broken" people and I have been thinking about the daily decisions that they have to make to keep their sobriety. Growing up with a father in recovery I can recall spending several evenings (most notably New Year's Eve) at AA club houses. I can vividly recall the smell of smoke and the sound of many people embracing a common truth...Hi, I’m such and such and I’m an alcoholic (I’m broken). Not only did I hear these kinds of statements at the club house but they were common sayings in my home...One liners like "Keep coming back, it works if you work it" and "Easy does it". In fact, to end our dinner prayer we would all say "keep coming back it works". It wasn’t until I became a counselor that I began to think about the importance of these "one liners". These statements have deep meaning and value and they serve as a healthy reminder to the alcoholic...and they can also remind you. So take a look at some of these statements and determine how they can be helpful in your life...whether or not you have an addiction. Take some time to journal what they mean to you and watch for future posts about what they mean to me.
KEEP COMING BACK IT WORKS!
1. No matter where I go, there I am-
2. Resentment is a poison I drink to kill the other person-
3. Pain is in the resistance-
4. Do I want to be happy or be right-
5. I only have to change one thing - EVERYTHING! -
6. You are 3 people: Who you think you are. Who other people think you are. Who you really are.-
7. Sit down, shut up and listen.-
8. First Things First-
9. Try God-
10. Get a sponsor-
11. 90 meetings in 90 days-
12. Keep coming back it works…if you work it-
13. What step are you on? -
14. We've got a chair here with your name on it. -
15. It's always easier to take someone else's inventory. -
16. I'm really grateful to be here.-
17. Easy Does It -
18. One Day at A Time -
19. If you fly with crows, you'll get shot at -
20. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. -
21. It's easy to talk the talk, but you have to walk the walk.-
22. Get an attitude of gratitude or Gratitude is an attitude.-
23. You have to give it away in order to keep it.-
24. If you hang around a barber shop long enough, you'll get a haircut-
25. Don't try to recruit people before they're ready -they'll have you drinking before you'll get them sober! -
26. Fake it till you make it-
27. It's a selfish program-
28. Keep coming back-
29. Just For Today-
30. Let Go and Let God -
31. Trust your Higher Power-
32. KISS: Keep It Simple, Stupid -
33. HALT: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired-
34. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. -
~Wednesday April 1, 2015~
The "Happy Pill"....what do you want to get out of this?
Recently I have been talking to a lot of people who just aren’t happy. They have been hurt, mistreated, offended, and feel others have abused them in some way. Sometimes these people really do have reasons to feel jaded but I wonder how helpful is it to stay in self-pity and discouragement? I encourage you to take a quick personal inventory and determine if you are one of these people who are in a desperate search for happiness. If it seems that you can’t quite find personal contentment...maybe you could use some of the following tips instead of the highly sought after...undiscovered "happy pill".
1. Take responsibility for finding your unique happiness ... for creating happiness ... for allowing happiness to become a part of your life. Own your part in the process of becoming happy! There is no pill that can make you feel happy but there is a choice to become happy.
2. Determine what is important to you and your future. What do you want? Where would you like to be in 5 years? What do you want your future to look like and how will you get there? Are you taking action steps toward creating a new future for yourself?
3. Create a plan of action...outline small steps you can take each day toward reaching your personal goals. These steps need to be achievable and measurable so that you can look back and see your progress.
4. Stay focused on your goals...keep on task...look for ways to keep yourself motivated and on track.
5. Find healthy support people on your journey. Surround yourself with people who are encouraging, motivating, and inspirational. Look for people who "seem to have happiness in their life". Notice what they do different and try to incorporate some of those things into your daily interactions with others.
6. Find the good verses the bad in people, places, and things. Have you ever been around people who for lack of better explanation "suck the life out of you"? These people often have similar traits including overall dissatisfaction in their lives, negativity, and poor self-esteem. These people rarely smile or laugh and they often look for ways to drag you down with them. Choose not to be one of these people. Look for the silver lining and stay positive in your interactions with yourself and others.
7. Be grateful! That’s it...just be grateful. There are thousands upon thousands of people who are experiencing things that are worse than what you are going through. Be grateful for a new day, for new beginnings, for the people in your life, for your sense of touch, for shelter, for the ability to laugh or cry, for your freedom etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on but being grateful for your life and this moment is your choice! Make a gratitude list for the times when you just can’t seem to find anything good about your life.
8. Find contentment in yourself. You are not perfect and will never be perfect because it's not possible. I absolutely love the Saturday Night Live skit with Stuart Smalley where he talks to himself and concludes, "I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me". Stop picking on yourself. There are many wonderful things about you and it’s time to embrace those things instead of constantly picking on yourself about what you "are not".
9. You can’t wish for happiness and expect it to happen. You have to make a decision to be happy. Start by saying "yes". Say yes to new friends, say yes to new experiences, say yes to change. New experiences can be scary and intimidating but you will never find happiness if you don’t take some personal risk. However, with great risk there is often greater reward.
10. Start now...right now. Don’t wait for tomorrow, don’t wait until your older, thinner, smarter, more confident. Ask yourself, "What do I want to get out of this life" and go for it. NOW!
~Wednesday April 1, 2015~
Blog Beginnings…Every good thing starts with something new
I have decided to begin a "blog"...honestly it is a bit scary for me because believe it or not therapists are also human and have normal emotions of fear, insecurity, and doubt. Nonetheless, I feel that it could be a major asset to my patients and my hope is that you can find it inspirational and encouraging during the time between our meetings. Writing is not a strength of mine but I do enjoy putting my thoughts to paper and often find it helpful and healing in my own personal life. (Please don’t judge me on my grammar...it could turn out to be a major let down. lol)
One of the main things I do with new patients is encourage them to journal and journaling is nothing more than a private blog. The goal of journaling or blogging is not to impress anyone. The goal is not to be meticulous on grammar, spelling, punctuation or even keeping thoughts organized. Rather, the goal of journaling is to get your thoughts and ideas out and onto paper so that you can begin to process your feelings in a new way. I am confident that this tool will empower my patients to "dig deeper" with their personal thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, fears etc. I am hopeful that as you read my posts you will find some things that are helpful on your life journey and leave what doesn’t seem to fit for you. I will be including some biblical scripture, you-tube videos, articles, quotes and other material as food for thought. Again, take what is helpful and leave the rest! Please feel free to talk with me during our sessions if you have questions, comments, or if my writing stirs up something inside yourself. I encourage you to begin your own "blog"...spend time with your thoughts instead of allowing them to come and go without giving them the time and attention they deserve. Start something new!